It Almost Feels Like a Joke
by thesadraccoon
Summary: Harley Quinn, accomplice of Jerome Valeska, fInds herself a prisoner at Arkham after his death. There she is subjected to the cruel experiments of Dr. Strange and finds herself making unexpected allies. What happens when she is released with the rest of Strange's 'monsters?
1. Chapter 1 (12-08 18:41:47)

1

"Harley Quinn, nice to meet ya!"

Oswald Cobblepot frowned at the pale blonde girl sitting across from him. She seemed more aware than the others, her eyes were clear and she appeared to at least be capable of holding a legitimate conversation. He reluctantly shook her hand, "Oswald Cobblepot."

The girl's grin widened and she leaned closer, her voice barely above a whisper, "Good, I was scared that they might have already gotten to you. It's awfully boring in here without anyone to talk to."

"What do you mean 'gotten to me'?" Oswald had a feeling that he wasn't going to like the answer.

"Therapy," she grimaced, "It's just a cover. They mess with your mind, make you someone else. Sometimes people come out calmer, sometimes they come out like Melody."

He followed her thumb to a woman who was talking to her peas. His expression changed to one of confusion, "What do you mean?"

"Melody used to be a kindergarten teacher. She was sent here after she murdered her abusive husband and for the first week was as functional as you or me. She went to a 'special' therapy session and came back like that."

Oswald's frown deepened, "What about you?"

She smirked, "They sent me to the basement. Trust me, that's much worse."

He shivered. Just as he was about to continue asking questions, a guard opened the door and called his name. He glanced at Harley as he stood and found himself worried by the odd expression on her face.

As he turned to walk away he heard her quiet voice, "Don't trust Strange."

He didn't look back.

* * *

Harley wasn't exactly sure how long she had been in Arkham but she did know that it had been at least a few months. Since she had been there her once shoulder length hair had grown to be just above the bottom of her rib cage. Maybe Strange's experiments caused her hair to grow at an accelerated rate?

At the thought of what had been done to her during her time at Arkham she glanced down at her pale hands. Her skin, which had once been lightly tanned, was now nearly white. Her hair had also been stripped of any color that it once had. It was like her entire body had been bleached, even her eyes were lighter than they used to be. She looked as different as the experiments had made her feel.

She had been chosen by Strange because she was intelligent. He was building an army and had been in need of a thinker, someone who could lead when he wasn't around to make decisions and gather important information when he was. Of course, she needed to be more than just intelligent to help lead a group of freaks - hence the 'gifts'.

She shook the thoughts away and her mind focused on Oswald instead. It had been so long since she had held a conversation with someone who wasn't completely insane (Strange definitely fell into that category). She had forgotten how enjoyable conversation could be and didn't want Strange to take anything else from her. There was very little that she had to enjoy anymore and she would not let Strange take away her potential friend. She would have to protect him.

* * *

When Oswald entered the common area the next day he found that Harley had saved him a seat and was waving him over. He didn't have anyone better to sit with and she could hold a decent conversation at least.

She smiled at him as he sat and it made Oswald slightly happy to know that someone was happy to see him (not many people were). She tilted her head at him, her pigtailed hair falling to the side, "So, how did you end up in here?"

"Oh," Oswald smiled at her, "I killed Theo Galavan."

"Who?" Harley scrunched up her brows.

Oswald continued to smile, though it became tighter at the thought of his late mother, "He killed my mother so I killed him."

"I see," Harley nodded with an understanding, "An eye for an eye."

"Exactly. So, how did you end up here? You don't really seem…" He trailed off as he searched for the right term.

"Crazy?" she grinned.

"I was going to say you seem a little young."

She shrugged, "I was just tired of other people trying to control me. So I killed them."

He nodded, finding the fact that she shrugged about killing people unconcerning. He wasn't in any place to be judging the girl, "I can understand that."

Harley smiled at him, "I think we're going to be good friends Oswald."


	2. Chapter 2

2

"So, what did Strange tell you anyway?" Harley asked almost as soon as he enter the common area a few days later.

He grimaced, "He said he wanted to make me sane. He thinks I'm crazy like the rest of these idiots."

Harley laid a gentle hand on his arm, "Crazy is a label, not a diagnosis. I told you not to trust Strange. He'll tell you that he wants what's best for you but really he only has his own interests at heart."

Oswald nodded, a frown in place as he thought about his current situation, "So why aren't you like the rest of them?"

"I told you," her voice lowered slightly, "I've been to the basement. That means I'm of use to Strange in a different way."

"What makes you so important?" He asked, genuinely curious.

She shrugged, "I'm not really sure myself. I can't remember much before I was sent here. I have a few memories but not enough to really piece much together. I guess I was someone interesting before."

Oswald was suddenly struck by a strange thought. When the Valeska kid had been on his rampage with his little band of crazies, there had been a girl who was often seen at his side. Her name was something vaguely clown-like… "Harlequin?"

Harley raised an eyebrow, "It's Harley Quinn. That's a really old joke by the way."

Oswald shook his head, "I'm sorry, I was thinking about something and didn't intend to offend you."

"It's fine," Harley grinned, "What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing," Oswald shook his head, choosing not to share his thoughts with her.

She pointed for a second before grinning again, "So what are things like outside?"

"Well…"

* * *

"You really shouldn't get attached to the other inmates," Was the first thing Strange said to her when she entered the basement.

Harley scowled, "I just want someone to talk to."

He gave her his attempt at a fatherly smile. It came across more menacing than she felt it should be, "You know I only say this because I care about you. I think of like my own daughter, you know. I just don't want to see you get hurt."

She forced a grateful smile, "I know, Strange."

He gave her a look.

"... Father."

He gave her a nod and another menacing smile before walking away. She watched his retreating back and found herself wishing for something sharp to stab him with. The man treated her like she was a child. She had always hated when people did that. At least, she was pretty sure she did.

Strange spun in her direction when he was halfway down the hallway, "You have therapy this afternoon. No skipping this time."

She scowled.

* * *

The next time Harley and Oswald saw each other, both were a little worse for wear.

Oswald looked nervous and couldn't stop the shaking of his hands. Harley just looked exhausted.

"So Ozzie," she began with a weak grin, "How'd your first therapy session go?"

Oswald looked at her with haunted eyes, "I thought you were exaggerating."

Her grin became tight at the corners and her eyes darkened, "This isn't really a place for joking."

"That's certainly true," He gave a humorless laugh before glancing at his clenched hands, "I was the king of Gotham, you know."

Harley's brow quirked, "That's what you said your first day."

"I got rid of everyone who was in my way until I was at the very top," His eyes were slightly crazed. It was good to see that he wasn't broken yet.

She leaned forward, resting her head in her hands, "Tell me about it."

Oswald's face lit up.

* * *

 _Harleen Quinzel strode through the Halls of Arkham with much more confidence than a seventeen year old intern should have. She smiled and waved at the patients as she walked by, stopping every so often to ask how a patient was doing. She stopped by one particular patient, a large man known as Aaron Helzinger, "So, Aaron, have you made any new friends lately?"Aaron smiled at her, looking very proud of himself, "Yes, a new lady, very pretty. You'd like her.""I'm sure I would. Maybe you can introduce me one day," She gave him a large smile that told him just how proud she was of as Helzinger was about to reply, she noticed that another patient had made his way over to where they were talking and she found her smile becoming a grimace."Well hello there, Dollface," the ginger grinned at took a step back, ensuring that she was out of his range (she'd made the mistake of standing too close before and she wasn't keen on a repeat), and rolled her eyes, "What do you want Valeska."His grin only widened, "I think you already know the answer to that Harlequin."_

* * *

 **I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who favorited, followed, and reviewed this story. I'm glad that I'm not the only who thinks that Harley and Penguin have the potential to have a very interesting fact, I was inspired to make this fic because of the fact that both Harley and Penguin (at least the Gotham version) have the tendency to be very extreme in their attchments. It seemed like a dynamic that has a lot of potential.**


	3. Chapter 3

3

 _Harley skipped through Galavan's penthouse, appearing fascinated by everything around her. She had reached out to pick up a particularly ugly base when she heard a voice, "Don't touch that."_

 _Harley quickly snatched her hand back and whirled around to face the owner of the penthouse himself, "Sorry, I'm not used to so many fancy things."_

 _Galavan looked at her with a slightly condescending smile, "I understand. Why don't you join the others, they're currently examining my collection of weapons."_

 _"You wouldn't happen to have an extra bat, would you?" She smiled childishly before skipping off in the direction that Galavan had indicated._

 _His smile dropped the moment the young girl left the room._

* * *

Harley watched on the cameras as the two detectives made their way into the building. She only spared a few seconds to let herself hope that they were here to shut the facility down before she quickly shoved the hopeless dream from her head. It was time to take things into her own hands, there wasn't much time.

Harley accosted the two detectives in a corridor, timing her meeting perfectly so that she would be able to avoid the cameras. She found herself momentarily confused by the expressions on the faces of the detectives before brushing it off and deciding that there were more important matters at hand. She stared the younger one down, "You have to get Oswald Cobblepot out of here. Strange wants to make an example out of him. I don't know how much more of the 'therapy' he can take."

Jim Gordon wasn't a dumb man. He knew that the girl in front of him was dangerous, he'd seen her kill a man in cold blood once. However, he found himself oddly inclined to agree with her even though he had absolutely no reason to. He forced a harsh frown onto his face and ground out through clenched teeth, "Cobblepot killed a man. He has to pay for what he did."

Harley rolled her eyes and tried to up the charm, "You're cops, you kill people everyday. Don't act high and mighty, I've seen what the cops in this town are like."

"We do what we have to do," Harvey Bullock could also feel the effect that the girl was having on him and he tried to fight it.

"I don't think that's entirely true, is it?" She flashed Jim a cocky smirk while staring him dead in the eyes. She couldn't remember much from before but she could remember the things she had learned about body language. She knew that both detectives were feeling the effects of Strange's gift and also that Gordon was guilty. His eyes were shifty and his hands were figity, not to mention the sweat that he was trying to ignore as it slowly crawled down the side of his face like a spider. He was hiding something and she could guess what. She didn't know why but she knew that she had once been someone who was expected to be able to analyze people with just a glance, and she also knew that she was good at it.

"So you're gonna get Ozzy out right?" She glanced between the two men with hopeful eyes.

Gordon took in a deep breathe and then slowly exhaled through his nose, "Not a chance, Quinn."

Interesting, he knew her name. Maybe he knew her from before. That wasn't important now, though. She needed to make sure Oswald was safe. She had promised him.

"Look," she scowled at the younger detective, "I don't care about your sense of Justice or whatever you're hiding. This place is not what it seems and I don't want to have to watch my only friend continue to be hurt by some Frankenstein wannabe."

"There's nothing we can do. Sorry," the detective didn't seem nearly as sorry as he tried to. Bastard.

* * *

A couple weeks passed and the 'therapy' continued for both Harley and Oswald. Oswald became more 'sane'. Harley's memories became more unclear. Unfortunately, Strange was actually good at his job. The mad scientist part at least.

Harley's glazed eyes surveyed the poor man in front of her. He was shaking and seemed to be perpetually nervous, constantly glancing at everyone around him as if the whole world was out to get him. She hated knowing that Strange had managed to hurt her friend, her only friend, like this and she was powerless to stop it. She couldn't even help herself.

She gently reached out and took his hand in hers, giving him her best attempt at a kind smile, "You're going to get out of here, I promise you. When you're out they won't be able to hurt you anymore."

He gave her a weak smile and squeezed her hands with what strength he had left, "You're going to get out of here as well."

She just kept holding onto his hands as she tried to keep herself from looking too jaded. She highly doubted that she'd ever make it out. She gave him a heartbroken smile.

* * *

 _Despite being a blonde and the stereotypes that came with it, Harleen Quinzel was a smart girl. She always kept her grades up and carefully calculated each decision before making it. She was logical to a fault and often forgot to take the feelings of others into account. She was willing to hurt others to get what she needed and she didn't even regret it. In fact, there were few people that she felt fondness for._

 _The only people that Harleen truly cared for were her brothers. Part of the reason she had chosen to become a psychologist was so that she would be able to make enough money to support them (if she didn't then their piece of shit dad certainly wasn't going to) and ensure that they were well taken care of. The elder brother was ten and just beginning to realise just how awful the world truly was and the younger was five and an absolute ray of sunshine. They meant everything to her and she would do anything to keep them safe._

 _When she landed the internship at Arkham she knew it was a sign that things were getting better. With the paycheck from the job she would be able to support her brothers and herself and possible even move out of their barely livable apartment in the Narrows._

 _For the first time in years Harleen had hope for a better future._


	4. Chapter 4

4

 _Harley liked Barbara. They were a lot alike, one could almost call them kindred spirits. They both went crazy for love and both were blonde. What else do you need for the foundation of a beautiful friendship?_

 _Harley enjoyed it when there was a quiet moment (which wasn't very often when you lived with actual psychopaths) and Barbara would braid her hair while they would both talk about their days or pretty much anything else that came to mind. It was almost like they were just normal friends hanging out and having fun together. It made Harley feel less like she had completely lost control of her life._

 _Barbara taught her a lot of things as well. She taught her how to manipulate people and how to use her own body to get what she wanted from others. She taught her how to handle herself so that people would never even think about giving her problems and how to kill a man with her bare hands. She taught her how to kill someone quickly and also how to do it slowly and make it hurt. Most importantly, Barbara taught her what it was like to have a real friend._

 _Harley had always been independent and self-reliant and lonely. She had always taken care of herself and her brother because if she didn't then no one else would. She became an adult the day her second brother was born and her mother died during child birth and she hadn't had time for friends or fun or anything other than constant responsibility._

 _She was tired of being an adult when she was still only a child._

* * *

The day Oswald left the asylum was the day that Harley completely lost all hope. Oswald had been a friend and something other than her own misery to focus on and then he was gone and she was alone and really there was no point in even trying anymore. She had nothing left to live for.

Just because she was ready to give up did not mean that Strange was ready to let her go yet. She was a valuable asset and he couldn't just let her leave (no matter the way) and so he took her freedom to roam around the asylum away from her (she's also pretty sure the fact that the detectives kept lingering about had something to do with her being grounded) and confined her to the basement. This wasn't particularly surprising and she's more surprised that he hadn't done it earlier but he also probably wanted to see what repercussions her friendship with Oswald would yield (joke's on him she wasn't able to do anything to help the poor man anyway).

It's weeks before she sees the sun again.

The day comes very suddenly when the secret bomb in the asylum is set to blow and Fish Mooney (she had heard about her from Oswald and wasn't very fond of the woman but she's pretty sure there's a saying that goes something like the enemy of my friend is my friend until I don't need them anymore and backstab them) decides to pull a breakout with all of Strange's freaks and honestly she's not about to complain because at least it's a way out and to find her friend again.

She'll take what she can get.

* * *

The first thing she does when she's out is go looking for Oswald. It's not very hard, all she has to do is ask a few of the right people (she stumbled upon the right people by accident) and they led her right to him (she finds it kinda odd that it was so easy to find him and is slightly disappointed that she didn't get to pull some kinda cool spy shit). You'd think a known criminal would be a little more hidden but whatever.

It took a bit of haggling and maybe a bit of manipulation to get a meeting with The Penguin but it was worth it for the smile on his face when he saw her. When her friend gripped her hands in his and began to tell her everything that she had missed, she found herself feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.


End file.
